Sam's Story

Our daughter Hayley Nash passed away February 25,2020 by what we later learned was acute mixed drug intoxication to wit, fentanyl and carfentanil. I found our daughter that morning and will never forget what I saw. I will never forget the anguished screams of my wife and the eternity of waiting for the paramedics while performing CPR. My first-born child was gone, dead on my living room floor. To watch the police, the paramedics, the coroner enter our home was unbearable. To see my daughter zipped into a body bag was almost too much to bear.
 
The death of my daughter shook me to my core. I was barely able to function. The grief, depression, confusion and anger were all consuming. I was in a very dark place, and I knew that I needed help.
 
I knew that I could not go through the rest of my life feeling the way I was feeling. I knew that I was on a path that would lead to even more severe depression and would affect the quality of my life, the quality of my relationships and would influence my employment. I have a wife, a son and grandchildren who depend on me. I had to take steps to begin the recovery process. I had to make the effort not only for myself but for those around me. Grief and depression were defining my life, grief and depression were dictating how I would live my life. I rarely left the house. I stopped participating in activities that I once enjoyed. My home was my safe place. I stopped socializing with all but my most trusted friend. I was not able to focus or make a simple decision. Looking at a takeout menu for dinner was impossible.
 
I was given a suggestion to try a group sponsored by Second Street and Hope in nearby Frederick Md. The group is called Living Through Loss (LTL). I enrolled in the virtual group with an open mind. I enrolled in the group knowing that I needed help but unsure if a group was for me. If talking to strangers about my feelings was for me.
 
The meetings in the LTL group are led by Jamie Eaton a kind, compassionate and caring counsellor. The group was made up of a small group of men and women who like me, lost a child to overdose. The meetings were structured and focused while allowing ample opportunity for each member to share as much or as little as we chose on a given night. Materials for the group were provided at no cost.
 
I learned early on those parents who lose a child to overdose experience a wide variety of feelings. The death of a child is not the natural order of things. We are not supposed to outlive our children. The death due to overdose carries with it additional burdens, additional feelings. We often feel guilty that we could not do more to save or cure our child. We feel that we could have done more to help them. We feel inadequate because we could not protect our child. Some of us feel guilty because we did not know that our child was using. Some of us feel shame in the way our child died.
 
During the group sessions, I was able to finally talk about how I was feeling with others who shared my same exact experiences. These people understood me. They understood what and how I was feeling. Many of them had the same doubts, fears and feelings that I had. I was for the first time able to talk about what happened. I was able to connect with people who shared the same experiences with me. I was not alone. I was not the only one who lost a child to overdose. I was not the only one with feelings that somehow, I failed my daughter. I was not the only one who felt inadequate as a parent.
 
My experiences with the LTL group were nothing but positive. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that my feelings were completely natural and that I wasn’t alone in them. I learned that other people had the same feelings that I had. I was able to connect with people who like me were full of doubts and fears. I learned that I am not recovered but rather I am recovering. I learned that the death of my daughter has changed me, but it no longer defines my life and sadness no longer dictates how I live my life. The LTL group started me on a path to seek out other resources. I spent several months seeing a therapist weekly and I have joined a virtual men’s group from Arizona. I have remained in contact with some of the other parents who were in my group. We converse weekly. We check in on each other, we support each other.
 
The opportunity afforded me in the LTL group and offered me an avenue to find my voice in the fight against illegal fentanyl in our communities. It has given me a voice. It has given Hayley a voice. It has offered me a way to give purpose to the death of my daughter. It has allowed me to begin the healing process.
 
We are walking a path that none of us wanted to walk yet walk the path we will. We do not have to walk the path alone. We can walk the path with others who like us, have experienced a traumatic loss. We can walk the path together. I will share my experience, my strength and my hope with you if only you will walk the path with me. You are not alone. I am here beside you.
 
Be kind to yourself.
 
Be easy on yourself.
 
Breathe.
 
Sam Beeghley
Westminster Md.